Expression is not Art.

.



I am of solid material
Tangible
Flexible Expandable
I have mass and ENERGY
Potential potential potential...

I require MOVEMENT!
Every particle moves around me
Teasing me
Relentlessly
What is life without MOVEMENT?

I am bound
Earth-ridden
Life within Lifelessness
I need ACTION
I DANCE in the realm of thought

I must fill my space
Fill out my immediate
Space Destiny
I have dreams
Dreams of MOVEMENT




.

For your analyzation (because that's what I'm paying you for):

I'd say it's been going on for about a month. Well, maybe to write "going on" is incorrect; I've been in this state for about a month. Without my conscious knowledge, I shed the need for romance in my entertainment. Usually I'm disappointed with a movie or book if it doesn't have a healthy romance entwined somewhere into the plot or subplot. [Note: I'm not talking bodice-rippers -- those aren't quite within my literary scope.] In fact, I've been known to reject books or movies that wouldn't satisfy that particular preference, fulfill that particular need. (And why not!? I can like what I want and read what I want!).

"Why is this?" you wonder. Well, I've self-analyzed myself thoroughly on this account. After all, I'm no girly-girl or even romantic. But then I realized that I didn't have these personal requirements when I was romantically involved with someone. That, then, must be the key. Fruedian psycho-analysis aside, it might be that I find romance in my life through different means at different times ; when it's not in my life, I find it in my means of escape (my non-life). However, such ruminations are not conclusive, as I don't read or watch movies nearly as often when I'm with someone anyway.

But wait!! I'm not romantically involved with anyone, yet I find that I have no desire to read or watch shows about love, romance, or anything pertaining to compulsory relationships. I have even avoided blatantly romantic literature! (Explain that one, Freud). I have a couple theories:
Theory the First: Now that I've experienced a mostly healthy and "normal" dating relationship, I've taken a more realistic viewpoint on love (and all it entails), and now -- whether just in the wake of said relationship or forevermore -- I don't require romance to be a constant part of my life.
Criticisms of Theory the First: It's horribly mundane and lifeless for a mindset. "Realistic viewpoint on love?" Did I really write that? I mean, I'm not a hopeless romantic (when it comes to romance), but I do appreciate the magic of relationships.
Theory Seconde: Having just faded out of an optimistic relationship, I'm a little burnt out. I tried really hard and put too much energy into nothing and now need a break from the whole thing. Eventually, I'll be right back to my romance-consuming-self.
Crit of Theory Seconde: I feel fine. I certainly am not acting differently: flirty, outrageous. However, I also feel bound up inside. I feel like an extremely effective emotion-invoking peice of media would break all that up. I guess I feel a little numb. I'd hate to think that this is a result of my previous relationship with J.

When it comes down to it, I'm really enjoying this freedom from romance -- from my need for it in my entertainment. I'm enjoying all kinds of books that I wouldn't usually pick up (I'm happily reading Hard Times by Dickens and a graphic novel about the Constitution). I enjoy feeling not-girly and grounded. Damn my need to understand myself. I think I might be a bit happier -- in this particular circumstance -- if I didn't feel the need.

Looking at the Rabbit Hole

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
- Jack London

Unsurprisingly, when I temporarily move to Italy -- like many of my adventuring compatriots -- I plan on blogging like a fiend, both for the purpose of preserving my trip and sharing it with others. However, if my ability to keep up a blog in what most certainly can be described as "downtime," I'm not sure how successful my fantasies of a consistently updated blog will prove. Then again, I'll actually have a lot to say ... the perks of living an interesting life.

I've noticed my view on Italy has warped. In college, I ached with the desire to travel and explore the world, most specifically Europe. My final year of college, I planned to attend grad school, but I painfully and expensively figured out that such a course was not what I really wanted. (Curse you, URTAs). Italy was next on the agenda. And I was excited -- excited to have a plan, excited to live out a dream. It's been almost exactly 7 months since I've graduated, and Italy has quickly warped into an escape -- from my underachiever lifestyle, from an adult career, from commitment. So I wonder: now that living in Italy isn't fulfilling a dream-role in my life, will actually living there be a different or lesser experience? When you are running from something, how much does the place you've run to matter?

To some degree, my going has also become a metaphoric flipping-the-bird to all those cynics who've challenged my plans with "that's what I always said I'd do, too." I'm hoping that this indifference is only a result of the 7 months of mediocrity. I'm hoping that when my plans solidify, all of my enthusiasm will reappear. In the end, none of it matters though. I'm going. And all these questions and more will be addressed in upcoming blogs! Stay tuned.